It’s Not All Puppies and Kittens

LOL what!?!

November 19, 2008 at 10:09 pm (Veterinary)

There are few questions and concerns from clients that never fail to amuse me. Let me just point out that it’s very hard to keep a straight face sometimes, but I try – wanting to appear to be taking concerns seriously and what not. These are real, and frequent, I kid you not.

Situation 1:
Cue a very concerned, bordering on hysterical (female) client on the phone. OMGWTF, my dog has got TWO LUMPS on his belly. I swear they weren’t there before, they’re huge, do you think he’s got cancer? I thought he might have been bitten so I tried massaging them and they wont go away. I’m going to rush him straight down…”

*DangerMouse tries to snigger silently”

Oh yes? Uhuh, where are they? Oh, they’re the same size? Either side of midline? Uhuh? And what was he doing right before you noticed the lumps? Oh I see, he was humping a pillow….Let’s see, um, he’s er, likely to just have been enjoying himself a little too much, got a bit excited and all.

*Cue disgusted shriek*
*Cue dumbfounded questions about “How” and “Why”*
*Refrain from asking middle aged women with teenage children whether it was all about immaculate conception*.

Situation 2:

“Hello, This X from The Veterinary Hospital”.

*cue irate male*
“OMGWTFBBQ, you bastards! I just paid you X million dollars to desex my male dog and you’ve screwed it up. He’s still #*$&ing got #*$&ing nuts, I don’t know how you get away with it.

*cue most delicate voice*
“Sir, I removed your dog’s testicles myself. May I humbly suggest that he’s been amusing himself, if you take another look, I would guess that the testicle do not normally live in the area that you have noticed the swelling”.

“Hahah, Huh. *chortle*  That’s my man!”.

Situation 3:

“You MUST help me! I think my (female, 6mth old) cat has broken its tail or hurt it’s back!”

“Uhuh, tell me what is happening….”

“She’s crouching down and trying to stretch her back and then she cries out in pain, then tries to rub it better on my legs. Please Doctor, tell me what’s wrong with my cat!!!!!”

*Resists the urge to point and laugh and tell the client that their cat “wants some, real bad”.*